Crying

I have cried what I'm pretty sure are millions of tears. I cried from the moment we found her and every day since.  At first, it was every day, all day. I remember having these tissues, and they were the worst tissues ever. They kept breaking apart on my face and I would have little tissues pieces all over my face. At the time, I never thought I would be able to go a minute without tears. There would be times of such overwhelming pain that I could not breathe and I would cry so hard I would hyperventilate. 
My family didn't understand my loud crying. It was embarassing for them. I cried any time I was alone.. in the car, in the shower, in bed at night with huge tears rolling silently down my cheeks while screaming, loudly inside my head, but just with an open mouth and no sound on the outside.
I still cry, every day, even 20 months later. Usually I hear something or see something that reminds me of her, and tears fall from my eyes. There are a lot of songs that make me cry when I hear them.
To me, it's ok to cry, it's a release of pent up grief, sadness, anger and it feels good to let it out. It's cathartic.  I'm sure my mom wishes I didn't cry, that I wouldn't be so sad, but when you love someone so much whos gone, tears help relieve the pressure and weight that grief puts on you.

Anger and grief

I think other than overwhelming sadness, the 2nd emotion I feel the most is anger. I saw a therapist for a few months after my mom died, and it was a great way to talk through the anger and its ok to be angry. The times I'm most angry are the times when I have to make big decisions without my moms input or when my dad is being an ass and I'm the one who has to deal with him. Usually when it's stuff my mom was supposed to be the one taking care of and now its left to me.

I'm angry at mom for dying, at my dad for being old, at God for taking her, at myself for being angry at someone who is dead. I'm angry that I'm not getting to live the life I was expecting to live. I'm angry that there is a lot I don't get to do and a lot that I have to do that I don't want to.

I'm ok with the anger, I usually will just go somewhere and scream out loud to release some of the anger. I yell at god and at my mom. Even a year and a half later, I still get angry that she left us. I know it wasn't her choice, that she would be here if she could which is why I get mad at myself for being angry, because it's so irrational.

Slowly but surely, life is getting easier. I cope better with issues that arrive and anger doesn't come as often. I'm learning to live a new and different life that is bringing both challenges, and also good things.

an introduction to grief

Perhaps you have come here because you are grieving or you know someone who is. This is just a blog to put out my feelings on grief and maybe give those who don't understand it an understanding that will help them help someone they love. I'm so very sorry if that is true, because it means there has been a loss and I know how devastating loss is.

My grief journey began on July 2nd 2013 when we found my mom dead in her bed. She had a massive heart attack. We tried cpr, called 911, but she had probably died some hours before. it was a shock to say the least. My dad was 91, she was 64, we never expected her to die first. Our whole lives changed. She was everything to everybody. She left behind a husband and 2 daughters, 4 sisters, and so many other people who loved her. Her funeral was packed, probably around 500 people.

The first few weeks, I was in a daze. Dying in my sleep has always been a huge fear of mine, so to have it happen to my mom, well, I finally had to see a doctor to get medicine to help me calm down and sleep. And if you have to, its ok. Sleep is so important. I have had maybe just 2 dreams about my mom, so sleep was a place to get away from grief, when I was able to sleep.

My mom had handled every aspect of hers and my dad's life, so I had to step in and begin to take care of him and the house and so many other things. I instantly had to know and learn things that I never thought I would have to which just made grief harder.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a great book called On Grief and Grieving, and it was one of the books I read after my mom died. It speaks of 5 stages of grief... Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. You will experience all of these, and not in that order and not all in a row or in a set amount of time. Anger and Depression are the ones I still experience most often... have I experienced acceptance? I'm not sure I will anytime soon.

Grief is very personal.  It's different for every person who grieves. And it's hard for them no matter what they show on the outside. I, personally,  am a loud griever. I cry, I post about it on facebook, talk about it to friends. My sister and my dad, they are more quiet in their grief, so much so, I wonder if they still grieve like I do. Its ok to grieve as long as you need to, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I can't say it gets better or easier, but grief does change as days and months and years go by. It's always a part of you, but you learn to handle it better, to live your life with it.