I have cried what I'm pretty sure are millions of tears. I cried from the moment we found her and every day since. At first, it was every day, all day. I remember having these tissues, and they were the worst tissues ever. They kept breaking apart on my face and I would have little tissues pieces all over my face. At the time, I never thought I would be able to go a minute without tears. There would be times of such overwhelming pain that I could not breathe and I would cry so hard I would hyperventilate.
My family didn't understand my loud crying. It was embarassing for them. I cried any time I was alone.. in the car, in the shower, in bed at night with huge tears rolling silently down my cheeks while screaming, loudly inside my head, but just with an open mouth and no sound on the outside.
I still cry, every day, even 20 months later. Usually I hear something or see something that reminds me of her, and tears fall from my eyes. There are a lot of songs that make me cry when I hear them.
To me, it's ok to cry, it's a release of pent up grief, sadness, anger and it feels good to let it out. It's cathartic. I'm sure my mom wishes I didn't cry, that I wouldn't be so sad, but when you love someone so much whos gone, tears help relieve the pressure and weight that grief puts on you.
